I'm sure you've all been on pins & needles, wondering,
"Did she do it? Did she test yet?"
Before I answer that question, I must preface my response with a disclaimer of sorts.
When I changed the layout and look of this blog, I vowed to be more optimistic. I promised that I would truly try to look at the path in front of me through rose-colored glasses, and that, no matter what, I would keep my head up and my hopes high.
I knew if the test came out negative, I'd be able to maintain that rosy outlook and keep pushin'. If at first you don't succeed and all that.
But, if the test came back positive, I wondered how I'd post about it without having that overwhelming fear of disaster color the tone of what should be my happiest post to date. Would I be able to be happy about something so wonderful when I would also most certainly be worried about whether or not I'd be allowed to keep such a special gift?
Should I?
Or shouldn't I?
Should I?
I did.
And it turned out maintaining a rosy outlook was just as hard as I thought it would be.
Yes, I got a BFP.
Followed shortly thereafter with beta #1 (334) and beta #2 (830).
3 tests in 5 days.
(Not to mention the one I'm on the phone trying to schedule even as I type this.)
I'm ecstatic! I'm over the moon!
But I'm scared out of my mind, too.
I'm worried and distracted and can't seem to focus on anything other than the next checkpoint. I'm also mourning the loss of ignorance. I wish I had no knowledge of what it feels like to have a miscarriage. I wish I had no idea what it's like to know as much about the female reproductive system as I do. I wish I didn't know how it feels to be so high and fall so far.
But I do.
And because I do, I feel like I have to be frugal with my fervor. I'm happy. But I can't let myself be too happy. I'm hopeful. But I can't let myself be too hopeful.
I know this isn't a new sentiment. I know I'm not the first woman to find herself in this emotional limbo, and I know I won't be the last. But I'm new to the positivity game and I'm strugglin' a bit.
So, I'm not going to post a baby counter nor will I post about the prospective due date.
Not yet.
What I will do is pray that the Lord continues to rain this blessing down on hubby & me, and ask that each of you send one up to Him for us, too.
Thank you!!!
Monday, July 13, 2009
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13 comments:
WOW!!! Congratulations!!!! Great news! I know where you are coming from, not wanting to be too excited. It takes time, but you WILL get there!
I'm not sure if you're wanting a congratulations or something else. So, I'm going to go with what I would want and say CONGRATULATIONS, sweetie! I am so happy for you! Your numbers look great. Right now: all is well! Find something to say to yourself when you start to panic a bit. Right now: you ARE pregnant! I'm always an email away NEVER hesitate to type something, ANYTHING. Even if you think it's silly. I know, I've thought it! Lots of prayers and SO much love coming your way!
*HUGS*
OMG, OMG, OMG! Yes, yes, yes!
I am so HAPPY for you and the hubby!
I know you are scared that this blessing won't stick. I'm not going to give you platitudes like "think positive thoughts." Just know that I (as well as others who follow your journey) are praying for the best for you! Relish this moment because no matter, what you got a BFP!
*hugs*
Oooooh! Looks like you sugar baby is really on the way!
Congratulations, Sweetie! *gentle hugs*!
All the very best!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I'm so happy for you & your hubby! I can only imagine your your fear, but walk on faith and claim this baby!! Praise God, Praise God PRAISE GOD!!!
We've had miscarriages and infant loss, and I can say from experience that a new pregnancy brings joy and an unimaginable fear. We try to remember that we have the babies for today and today is really all we can ask for. Tomorrow will take care of itself. It took a while for it to set in, but my hubby and I just celebrate the day we are on and are thankful to God for that one more day. So far it has gotten us halfway through this pregnancy and our stress levels have dropped because we arent worrying about what might happen tomorrow.
I really hope you have many, many tomorrows to look forward to! Congratulations!!!
Congrats to you and I pray that God's will be done in your lives. Very exciting ! Send some baby dust our way !
Yay!!! SUCH good news!
The fear is a really hard thing. I am so there with you. So let me give you a little present that I found on another blog a few months ago, when I really really needed it. (Or perhaps someone left it as a comment...I can't remember!). I wrote it on a post-it and stuck it next to my phone at work. You ready? Here it is: No day but today.
Live in the moment, and don't think about tomorrow, and eventually the fear will fade.
Just checking in again to make sure everything is going okay with you, since you haven't commented in a bit.
Hoping and praying this pregnancy is going well and the lack of posts in a week doesn't mean anything bad. I know how scary it is to be pregnant after a loss.
BTW, I noticed your book shelf in the right column and wanted to offer a belated invitation to join my 2009 Book Challenge.
OMG!
So happy for you, girl. I've been thinking about you and hoping I'd come back to some good news.
Congratulations!! You've got my prayers for a happy and healthy pregnancy!
you are being cautiously optimistic. i have been that way for awhile. you have been through a lot. you have hoped and prayed. you, my new friend, are now in my thoughts and prayers.
i cannot stop thinking about ivf. i usually do not read ivf, IF, ttc blogs much bc i hate reading about the negative outcomes. my heart breaks and then i start getting selfish and thinking what if. so, i know. ectopic jumps into my head. but i need to take one day at a time and so do you.
worry is like a rocking chair, it helps to pass the time but it doesn't get you anywhere. keep picturing that lush, soft uterine lining and seeing that babe attaching to it and holding on for 9 months! i know i am! xo
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