Soooo Tiiiired!!!

This is how I feel today ...



UGH!

I hate to complain. Honestly. I'm so grateful to be "in the family way", as they say. But the fatigue is kickin my arse!!

Plus our new place is about to open this weekend and hubby is so preoccupied that he's not sleeping very well either.

Just to put it into perspective, we hit the hay about 11:30 pm last night. By 1:30 am I was up for the first of many trips to the loo. By 3:30 am, hubby was wide awake & fidgeting and, though I was exhausted and ready to nod off, I couldn't as long as he couldn't.

So, long story short, I got out of bed at 7:20 am (very late!) after really only having slept for about an hour or so.


Yes, my eyes really do look like this. I'm posting a closeup to drive the point home.

Anyway, to say I'm strugglin' to stay awake is an understatement. Seriously, I could lapse into a coma any second.

Ok, off to "do some work".

Hope the rest of you are having a better time of it today.

Claiming It!

We heard the heartbeat!!

It was a good strong 125 bpm and we're right on track, measuring at 6 weeks, 4 days as of last Friday. So that puts us at 7 weeks exactly today!

I think I must have truly been convinced that something was wrong because when we heard the heartbeat, I literally lost it. I was nervous to begin with but as soon as I heard it, I started bawling right there on the table. It was so incredible and completely overwhelming.

Hubby, on the other hand, was so calm and cool as the tech did her thing. He was just looking at the monitor, taking it all in. As soon as I heard the thump, thump, thump, I knew it was the baby's, but it wasn't until she said, "there's your baby," that hubby caught on. As I mentioned, I was bawling but I was able to see his eyes go wide through the tears, which, of course, only made me cry harder. It was magical.

Unfortunately I can't post the pics that the tech gave us since our scanner's busted, but I have added a baby widget to the blog so you folks at home can follow along. ")

Thanks so much for all the words of encouragement and good will. They mean so much and have really helped me keep things in perspective.

Today I am pregnant and I claim this baby!!

xoxo

If you don't have anything good to say ...

Well, you know the rest.

I just haven't had anything to post in the last week or so.

Actually, that's not entirely true. I did go in for a 3rd beta because I was fretting like a madwoman (of course) and got back a beautiful number -

10,092!

Whew!

What a relief it was to see that number. Now I'm just waiting to see Doc B on Friday. By then I'm estimating that I'll be around 6 1/2 weeks along and should (hopefully) be able to see a good, strong heartbeat. I'm excited, too, because hubby's coming with me.

He's been so sweet through this. He grilled some chicken last night and was like, "all your meat has to be really well done, you know." So I asked how he knew and he said he'd looked it up on one of the websites I left open.

Sooo sweet, huh? I heart him.

Anyway, until Friday I haven't much to report. Other than itchy bb's, heartburn & crazy fits of burping, I feel pretty good. I've also had periodic episodes of extreme fatigue during the day but not every day, thankfully.

Please continue to send up your prayers for hubby & me, k?

Thanks!!

xoxo

Testing - One, Two, Three...

I'm sure you've all been on pins & needles, wondering,

"Did she do it? Did she test yet?"

Before I answer that question, I must preface my response with a disclaimer of sorts.

When I changed the layout and look of this blog, I vowed to be more optimistic. I promised that I would truly try to look at the path in front of me through rose-colored glasses, and that, no matter what, I would keep my head up and my hopes high.

I knew if the test came out negative, I'd be able to maintain that rosy outlook and keep pushin'. If at first you don't succeed and all that.

But, if the test came back positive, I wondered how I'd post about it without having that overwhelming fear of disaster color the tone of what should be my happiest post to date. Would I be able to be happy about something so wonderful when I would also most certainly be worried about whether or not I'd be allowed to keep such a special gift?

Should I?

Or shouldn't I?

Should I?

I did.

And it turned out maintaining a rosy outlook was just as hard as I thought it would be.

Yes, I got a BFP.

Followed shortly thereafter with beta #1 (334) and beta #2 (830).

3 tests in 5 days.

(Not to mention the one I'm on the phone trying to schedule even as I type this.)

I'm ecstatic! I'm over the moon!

But I'm scared out of my mind, too.

I'm worried and distracted and can't seem to focus on anything other than the next checkpoint. I'm also mourning the loss of ignorance. I wish I had no knowledge of what it feels like to have a miscarriage. I wish I had no idea what it's like to know as much about the female reproductive system as I do. I wish I didn't know how it feels to be so high and fall so far.

But I do.

And because I do, I feel like I have to be frugal with my fervor. I'm happy. But I can't let myself be too happy. I'm hopeful. But I can't let myself be too hopeful.

I know this isn't a new sentiment. I know I'm not the first woman to find herself in this emotional limbo, and I know I won't be the last. But I'm new to the positivity game and I'm strugglin' a bit.

So, I'm not going to post a baby counter nor will I post about the prospective due date.

Not yet.

What I will do is pray that the Lord continues to rain this blessing down on hubby & me, and ask that each of you send one up to Him for us, too.

Thank you!!!

Traffic, Tests & Tags - Oh My!

I didn't have as much trouble getting to work this morning as I thought I'd have. I live close to the Staples Center and it seemed like all the streets in the entire neighborhood were blocked off to accommodate the Michael Jackson Memorial.

I'm not complaining ... per se.

But there were people everywhere.

Let me just say that no one would accuse me of being a lover of crowds. And at 7:30 in the morning, the last thing you want to be doing is getting a tongue-lashing from some cop on a bike whom you had just missed hitting with your car because you were trying to weave your way through the throng and forgot to look right before turning.

To top it off, I finally made it to the freeway, only to get caught up in the knot of traffic that had formed as a result of the other freeways having been closed off for the funeral procession.

All this got me thinking ...

I can't stand crowds, hate traffic. Could this be a

test?

But what exactly was I being tested on? Positivity? I've been trying to have a more positive outlook. One look at my new blog design proves that. :)

Or maybe it was patience. I didn't blow up or get upset at any of the drivers who held traffic up by trying to turn down streets that were blocked off (well, maybe one or two).

Wait a minute.

What if it wasn't a test but rather a sign to test?

Could that be it?

Maybe these are cues for me to follow. Maybe some inner untapped instinct is forcing these qualities forward so I'll start using them because maybe it's time to start using them.

A good mommy needs to be patient, right?

Should I test?

Should I?

It's been 28 days. One average cycle. Is that long enough? Is that enough time to make me a mommy?

I don't know. And I don't know when I'll test. But it is something to think about.

And now here's some other random stuff to think about ...

I've been tagged!

Amber over at Asbill Soup tagged me so here goes:

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:
Having a sugar baby
Making my hubby a daddy
Seeing my dad in Rome in August
The next 3 days because my boss will be out of town :)
Today at 5:30 pm
Friday at 5:30 pm
Decorating a nursery someday
The start of Big Brother 11

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
Went to work
Made dinner for my hubby
Watched Jillian dump Wes on the Bachelorette
Got caught up on a lot of blogs
Clipped some coupons
Cleaned up the kitchen
Ironed work clothes
Packed my gym bag

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
Have a sugarbaby
Publish a novel
Win the lotto
Have another sugarbaby
Lay by the pool all day, every day
Buy a house in a place where it rains a lot so I could have a "rain house" to retreat to
Change the world for the better
Be a good mommy

8 Shows I enjoy:
Lost
Desperate Housewives
True Blood
Nip/Tuck
Law & Order
48 Hours: Hard Evidence
Kings
Project Runway

I know, I know. Now I'm supposed to tag 8 friends to do this, too, but I'm tagging anyone who wants to share it with the group. Just let me know so I can drop by & read your lists, too, k?